Joke of the Day

[bad moose]

The Best Story of the Year:






The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."









Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.









"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."









All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.









A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.





"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

[bad moose]

Little Johny's Sister

Oh No!!! He has a sister??


Little Susie came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Susie went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Susie's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Susie replied, "No... Salty

[Tyler1]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.

[bad moose]

apple does it again !



Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough ... because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening
to them.





What a great company

[bad moose]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

[bad moose]

> > Coffee and Testicles
> > A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
> > The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies,
> > "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
> > "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
> > "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
> > The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
> > employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
> > The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
> > testicles."
> > The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
> > for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
> > pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
> > every day."
> > The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
> > PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
> > "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
> > hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
> > point in you coming in for that."

[bad moose]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the
captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop
from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have
a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you,
a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!'



One Irish passenger yelled...

........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

[bad moose]

Cowboy comes across an Indian on the range.











Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[bad moose]

Please fill out if offended. LOL

[bad moose]

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!