Joke of the Day

[bad moose]

Roping a Deer
Author unknown - probably for good reason

Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it
up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first
step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they
congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me
when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff
at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet
away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a
bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it
home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up
-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the
end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and
stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end
so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and
then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that,
while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope
it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for
pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt
in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some
dignity. A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to
me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I
had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as
much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood
flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my
taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there
was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated
the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still
think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were
in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I
managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a
little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I
got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer
would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up
there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now,
when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but
it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer
(though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I
kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up
with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that,
when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and
you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud
noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will
usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape..

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The
reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you
in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses
after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because
the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head
and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So
now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Rancher

[hcomras]

Hahahaha what the hell??. Could not stop laughing my ass off haha

[Primal_urge]

lol!!!! Crying like a lil girl!!!lol!!!

[bad moose]

I gotta post it...

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you are definitely going to $%it yourself' road-kill chili.

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here is what happened. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.

No 'Rich's Movement #2'. Despite Habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the store. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It was not until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, do not look at me like you do not know what I am talking about. I am referring to that ' Uh.., Oh.., gotta go..' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone , suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I do not know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate... Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here is what I mean, and I am sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could have warned that poor clerk, but I did not. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here is the thing. When you laugh, it is hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I would make it before the grand mal @ssplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my @ss is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Son-of-a-b!@#%! ", "Did it smell that bad when you ate it?", and then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,

"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes."

"It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT IS YOU !", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at HEB supermarket.

I can't say anymore about that, because we are still in court over the whole matter.
They said they had to repaint the store…

[hcomras]

Hahahahaaha ooo man

[Primal_urge]

i never laughed so hard in my life!!! in writing with tears streaming, not sure if they are tears from my over active imagination of the stench that would make a maggot puke from your story or it was that funny!!!that was sincerely romantic!!!

[bad moose]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance . .. . never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:




Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Don't mess with old men . . . they didn't get old by being stupid!

Remember: OLD MEN DESERVE RESPECT

[hcomras]

Ahhahaha there's a saying
There are two kinds of riders: the old and the bold, you'll never find one that's both.

Think this applies here lol

[bad moose]

LOL

[Primal_urge]

that was perfect!!! lol.